This morning I woke up and the first thought I developed was:

"This girl is so irritating. She is so childish and attention seeking. Why don't she just grow up?"

I surprised myself... I have become the very person I hate.. Mean, judgmental, fault-finding, self-righteous, negative, pessimistic... Jumping at every opportunity to form a bad opinion of someone and thus alienate that person... I have become a monster...


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I talk to myself alot... I looked at the mirror and prepared for the job interview... Just then, a negative thought came to mind and I started complaining.. And when I saw my image on the mirror I was shocked... Have never seen myself look so ugly before... Even when I had more pimples, had a bad hair day... I never looked that bad...

Just then, I started to understand:

A thankful heart is a necessary component of beauty... No one looks good complaining... On the contrary, it drowns all other beauty... Buries it...


Then it dawned upon me that I have become such an unfriendly person as I do all day is complain and find-fault... Even my thoughts are so evil...

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These two experiences really humbled me... God is great... Despite the fact that I now resemble the world.... (and am probably the worse of the lot)... He still loves me...

Denise, it is now that you have learned that you are as sinful as all the rest you despise that you are able to love them... as you do yourself... Your heart was hardened and encrusted by this thick layer of hate you used to defend yourself from the harshness of the world... It has made you ugly... Remove this hatred and anger within you... Let your heart breath once more... Do not be like Martha... Desperately trying to be in control of all things.. Let go, and trust me...


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I am like that... If Jesus comes to my house now, there is a high chance I will pack up the room, prepare a great meal and endeavor to be the best host I can be... i might even treat him like a child... hoping to look after him to the best of my ability... But now that I look at it... it is all a result of pride.. I wanted to serve others to prove that I am capable... I wanted to look like a good host to preserve my pride... But this is not what Jesus needs... He is here to save... not to be saved by me... I don't have to look after him... He is here to fix my life...

So dear Lord, take it... i no longer want to struggle so hard to fix it... And I know now that I am totally unworthy... I am a judgmental, vindictive and proud bitch... the type of person I hate most, I have become... But you still love, nonetheless...

I am speechless...