The coming of the Koreans and the Hongkong trip have brought so much thought to my head it is literally impossible to organize these thoughts into neat and constructive blog entries. Instead, they are merely premature ideas for future entries... consolidated in small passages. I hope you would be able to read between the lines... And I am confident that with your maturity, you will know exactly what is between the lines... Teach me... I have all the pieces, but I fail to put them together...
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I have always been a hater of pride... I hate it when others criticize the weak and imperfect... I see the world in a very different light... People are popular because of their talent, good looks, capability, confidence and achievement... But for me, the only thing that really matters is the heart... I have lived long enough to realize that the only relationship that matters are the genuine ones that can weather storms... If I am loved for my visible qualities (eg. Talent, money)... when I lose those things,my relationships crumble... I prefer to invest time on the genuine relationships that are based on heart to heart connection... It is of utmost importance that I know you will never judge me and will stay with me through thick and thin...
But such people are so rare... Instead of love, most people these days bond through hate... When they share a common hatred for someone, they feel equally victimized and hurt... They wallow in self-pity together and collectively ostracize that object of hatred... It is not difficult to find an object of hate... You just have to be different from the rest...
Perhaps my standards are high... People who are genuinely kind and God fearing.. such people are so rare... At least in the place I am in now... Instead of trying to mingle with those who fall short of my stringent criterion, I simply alienate myself from everyone... Thinking that I am protecting myself from them... Thinking that I am preventing myself from being corrupted... But how can I bring the love of God to those who really need it if I behave like a hermit? How can I be any good to the kingdom of God? I have become an object of hate... Contrary to my purpose... All because of my pride...
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I surprised myself... It was a Monday (22/2/10)...
I couldn't stop myself from losing faith in love... from losing faith in God... Despite all the faith proclaiming messages I have written on my blog... my mind has its own store of implicit memories that govern me to believe contrary... I no longer believe in love.. I no longer believe that God will be so kind to bless me with love, affection and warmth...
My heart is cold... I have become so good at living alone that I am truly independent... I have become so good at ignoring all my human emotions that there is no relationship I cannot severe...
But you moved me... For once, in a long time... Instead of indifference, I felt desperate... Even if it was for one second, I wanted to see you again... I felt human.. I found myself praying, “Please be kind to me... I am not greedy.. I just want one last look... Even if it is for one second...”
The voice of logic.. the voice of adulthood in my head said:
“It does not matter.. so what if you met them for one second, what difference would it make? You will never be able to own them... it is an impossible relationship... Your love will be wasted once again... And you will cry... You will taste bitterness and misery again... And you will be weakened...”
“I will take the weakness, bitterness and misery...I am willing to risk my heart and endure the pain... I know you will never understand it.. But these people really liked me... I have never been liked for years... Everyone around me has such a poor impression of me... Even I have started to hate myself... But they came.. And despite all odds.. managed to conjure an impression of love on me.. .They said that I was too kind... They told me that I was too sensitive and that would bring me hurt... For once, they thought me my shoes... Everyone else has only chided me for my sensitivity and labeled it as a legitimate cause to abuse me... They are precious to me... They loved me... They helped me to love myself...”
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When you become a fighter, you are no longer human... You no longer have the right to fear, weakness and pain... No one will forgive you.. not even yourself...
You may have menstrual cramps, you may have a sprained ankle, you may have a gigantic wart on the ball of your feet, you may be malnourished, you may have just suffered a lost in the family, you may have just lost your job, you may have just broken up with your boyfriend...
But in the arena, you are no longer you, you are a fighter and fighters cannot afford to have emotion, sympathy or love, they have no story... they have no human weakness.... They need only focus at the task at hand... to win...
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