Been swimming the past three nights... Helps me to sleep better... Also... It helps me fulfill the desire of exercising every night... To keep fit...
Difference is, I don't have to travel far... And I don't have to adhere to any regime... I am my own trainer... Get to swim as much as I want.. for as long as I want... Pause as frequently as I want... True... I do feel a bit more lonely... but who am I kidding, I was so lonely training with them anyway... No difference really...
Sometimes I feel that nothing beats going to the beach.. Or going swimming and having a bath after that... The feeling you get walking out of the shower towards your next destination... That sweet fatigue... Priceless.. =) its the kind of sensation you get... when you feel the satisfaction of exercise coupled with the refreshing sense of well being after a cold shower... Awesome...
Went to church today... Was blown away by the fantastic sermon by Pastor Prince... I enjoyed everything...Even the praise and worship felt sweet... Feel this great sense of love... And above all... A new sense of freedom... Like my new life is about to begin... And that God really loves me...
I realize now what my greatest flaw is - I keep trying to serve God... To sacrifice for his cause... I am just like Peter... So quick to spot the call of God... But too rash in responding to it... Without putting careful thought to what he really needs me to do... I fail to embrace his love for me... Instead, I keep pushing myself far beyond the limit of human emotional and physical endurance.. I became inhuman...
I think what God wants me to know today is that its okay to be weak sometimes... It's okay to relax and let him take control.... I don't have to be on top of the situation all the time... And best still I am no longer a fighter... I can embrace all my weaknesses... All my girly instincts... hahaha... manicure... here I come!!
I feel a lot better now... now that I am free to do anything I want... In the past, I would consider and refrain from doing many things so that I can have enough energy to train... In fact I took so many part time jobs and tuition assignments to support my training that I was often overtired...
Now, I own my days... I get to plan and execute whatever I want to do.. be it go to the beach... Go swimming.. Go for a jog... Go for a late night drink at a coffee shop.. Stay over at the airport talking to friends... Everything and anything is possible... Even planning a trip overseas... All these weren't possible before... I feel a new sense of control over my destiny...
Things didn't turn out as bad as I expected... At least for now.. The world seems like a better place =) Let's trust God for many more beautiful days to come...
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Bye
With a very blunt knife I was cutting a tomato... I used a lot of strength trying to pry through its skin... I accidentally cut myself... Lifted the whole top skin off my left thumb... There was blood... quite a lot of it...
I washed it, put pressure on it and put a bandage on it... I don't even feel the pain anymore... Just the inconvenience of the bandage...
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I left...
Please don't think any lower of me... I didn't succumb to the pressure... I didn't surrender to loneliness.. In the end, it was the challenge of God that got to me...
The challenge:
Do you believe I will still bless you... And bless you above all your expectations if you leave?
Training everyday has become your way of life... Change will be excruciating... You might not know it now... but you are injured... and it will soon become unbearable... In some nights you will start thinking that you have given up everything in life and you have nothing that matters anymore... You might be tempted to take your life on those nights... Don't.
When you finally get a stable job and encounter your first step back... When people start bitching behind your back... and their malicious intent start overflowing into their actions around you... You will find it familiar and wonder to yourself,"If people are the same everywhere, why did you forsake your dream?"... That will drive you insane... But hang in there... my promise is on its way...
When you find a human lover... And everything is nice and dreamy... And you let your guard down and remove the walls around your heart.... You will taste immense saturated happiness for awhile... And then you will experience your first quarrel... It will traumatize you... You will wonder to yourself,"If it was because of him that I left the squad, the sacrifice is too large." At that moment, you might be tempted to take your life... Don't.
At the end of your search for happiness on earth... you will come to the conclusion you knew all along... even now... that nothing on earth can ever provide you with what you really need... Jesus... and that every hardship pointed you to him...
Knowing all these things, you will begin to understand that the outcome will ultimately be startlingly similar... Whether you stayed or left...
Leave... and allow me to use you for my glory.. Don't leave in a pursuit of happiness.. You will not find it... Instead, leave and move on to the next place I need you to be in... Never forsake me... Never tear down the walls of your heart for man... In the real world, you will need every bit of strength and wisdom you learned as a fighter...
------------------------------------------------------
Yes... It was this challenge that got to me... The next few months of my life will be difficult... Every night I will be tempted to go for training and beg for an opportunity to continue training... But I must have the discipline to stop myself...
If you are reading this, occupy me.. Ask me out... Think of something for me to do in the evenings... Thanks! =)
I washed it, put pressure on it and put a bandage on it... I don't even feel the pain anymore... Just the inconvenience of the bandage...
---------------------------------------------------
I left...
Please don't think any lower of me... I didn't succumb to the pressure... I didn't surrender to loneliness.. In the end, it was the challenge of God that got to me...
The challenge:
Do you believe I will still bless you... And bless you above all your expectations if you leave?
Training everyday has become your way of life... Change will be excruciating... You might not know it now... but you are injured... and it will soon become unbearable... In some nights you will start thinking that you have given up everything in life and you have nothing that matters anymore... You might be tempted to take your life on those nights... Don't.
When you finally get a stable job and encounter your first step back... When people start bitching behind your back... and their malicious intent start overflowing into their actions around you... You will find it familiar and wonder to yourself,"If people are the same everywhere, why did you forsake your dream?"... That will drive you insane... But hang in there... my promise is on its way...
When you find a human lover... And everything is nice and dreamy... And you let your guard down and remove the walls around your heart.... You will taste immense saturated happiness for awhile... And then you will experience your first quarrel... It will traumatize you... You will wonder to yourself,"If it was because of him that I left the squad, the sacrifice is too large." At that moment, you might be tempted to take your life... Don't.
At the end of your search for happiness on earth... you will come to the conclusion you knew all along... even now... that nothing on earth can ever provide you with what you really need... Jesus... and that every hardship pointed you to him...
Knowing all these things, you will begin to understand that the outcome will ultimately be startlingly similar... Whether you stayed or left...
Leave... and allow me to use you for my glory.. Don't leave in a pursuit of happiness.. You will not find it... Instead, leave and move on to the next place I need you to be in... Never forsake me... Never tear down the walls of your heart for man... In the real world, you will need every bit of strength and wisdom you learned as a fighter...
------------------------------------------------------
Yes... It was this challenge that got to me... The next few months of my life will be difficult... Every night I will be tempted to go for training and beg for an opportunity to continue training... But I must have the discipline to stop myself...
If you are reading this, occupy me.. Ask me out... Think of something for me to do in the evenings... Thanks! =)
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Hebrews 13
Hebrews 13:1-5
Brotherly love must continue.
Do not neglect hospitality, because through it some have entertained angels without knowing it.
Remember those in prison as though you were in prison with them, and those ill-treated as though you felt their torment.
Marriage must be honoured among all and the marriage bed kept undefiled, for God will judge sexually immoral people and adulterers.
Your conduct must be free from the love of money and you must be content with what you have, for he has said,"I will never leave you and I will never abandon you."
Brotherly love must continue.
Do not neglect hospitality, because through it some have entertained angels without knowing it.
Remember those in prison as though you were in prison with them, and those ill-treated as though you felt their torment.
Marriage must be honoured among all and the marriage bed kept undefiled, for God will judge sexually immoral people and adulterers.
Your conduct must be free from the love of money and you must be content with what you have, for he has said,"I will never leave you and I will never abandon you."
John 6:63
John 6:63
The Spirit is the one who gives life; human nature is of no help! The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and are life.
The Spirit is the one who gives life; human nature is of no help! The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and are life.
Hebrews 10
Hebrews 10:32-39
But remember the former days when you endured a harsh conflict of suffering after you were enlightened.
At times you were publicly exposed to abuse and afflictions, and at other times you came to share with others who were treated in that way.
For in fact you shared the sufferings of those in prison, and you accepted the confiscation of your belongings with joy, because you knew that you certainly had a better and lasting possession.
So do not throw away your confidence, because it has great reward.
For you need endurance in order to do God's will and so receive what is promised.
For just a little longer and he who is coming will arrive and not delay.
But my righteous one will live by faith, and if he shrinks back, I take no pleasure in him.
But we are not among those who shrink back and thus perish, but are among those who have faith and preserve their souls.
But remember the former days when you endured a harsh conflict of suffering after you were enlightened.
At times you were publicly exposed to abuse and afflictions, and at other times you came to share with others who were treated in that way.
For in fact you shared the sufferings of those in prison, and you accepted the confiscation of your belongings with joy, because you knew that you certainly had a better and lasting possession.
So do not throw away your confidence, because it has great reward.
For you need endurance in order to do God's will and so receive what is promised.
For just a little longer and he who is coming will arrive and not delay.
But my righteous one will live by faith, and if he shrinks back, I take no pleasure in him.
But we are not among those who shrink back and thus perish, but are among those who have faith and preserve their souls.
John 16:24
John 16:24
Until now you have not asked for anything in my name.
Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.
Until now you have not asked for anything in my name.
Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.
Some of my favourite love quotes
If you cannot inspire a woman with love of you,
fill her above the brim with love of herself;
all that runs over will be yours.
- Charles Caleb Colton
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I have learned not to worry about love,
but to honor its coming with all my heart.
- Alice Walker
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You can give without loving,
but you cannot love without giving.
- Amy Carmichael
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What the world really needs is more love
- Pearl Bailey
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Love grows by giving.
The love we give away is the only love we keep.
The only way to retain love is to give it away.
- Elbert Hubbard
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A fool in love makes no sense to me.
I only think you are a fool if you do not love.
- Author unknown
fill her above the brim with love of herself;
all that runs over will be yours.
- Charles Caleb Colton
---------------------------------------------------
I have learned not to worry about love,
but to honor its coming with all my heart.
- Alice Walker
---------------------------------------------------
You can give without loving,
but you cannot love without giving.
- Amy Carmichael
---------------------------------------------------
What the world really needs is more love
- Pearl Bailey
---------------------------------------------------
Love grows by giving.
The love we give away is the only love we keep.
The only way to retain love is to give it away.
- Elbert Hubbard
---------------------------------------------------
A fool in love makes no sense to me.
I only think you are a fool if you do not love.
- Author unknown
3 Things about me that I hope people knew
First thing
Under my tough cover, I am just a child. I might look strong, I might look fierce even... But I am a coward... I am scared of many things... Even normal things that people are not afraid of... Due to my experiences... I am a trouble magnet...
Believe me, I am not saying these things to 'seduce' you... I only wish you knew me better so that you will be kinder and more tender with your words... I am easily hurt by harsh and insensitive comments...
Second thing
I might seem aloof and distant when you try to talk to me... But the truth is... I am flattered and very happy... I am just frightened to come too close becauase I am a coward... If I suspect that I will like you too much, I might not even want to be your friend...
All I need is some gentle coaxing and perseverance... Try talking to me more please...
Third thing
I used to be innocent too. But I am not stupid... My experience has put the voice of the world in my head... Even if you don't say it out loud, I know what you said behind my back... I know what you said in Malay, Korean and other languages...
If you intend to start any kind of relationship with me, please guard your mouth even when I am not there... I know... I wish I didn't... But I know... and your malicious words behind my back keeps me away from you...
That's one of the reasons why I alienate myself from you...
Under my tough cover, I am just a child. I might look strong, I might look fierce even... But I am a coward... I am scared of many things... Even normal things that people are not afraid of... Due to my experiences... I am a trouble magnet...
Believe me, I am not saying these things to 'seduce' you... I only wish you knew me better so that you will be kinder and more tender with your words... I am easily hurt by harsh and insensitive comments...
Second thing
I might seem aloof and distant when you try to talk to me... But the truth is... I am flattered and very happy... I am just frightened to come too close becauase I am a coward... If I suspect that I will like you too much, I might not even want to be your friend...
All I need is some gentle coaxing and perseverance... Try talking to me more please...
Third thing
I used to be innocent too. But I am not stupid... My experience has put the voice of the world in my head... Even if you don't say it out loud, I know what you said behind my back... I know what you said in Malay, Korean and other languages...
If you intend to start any kind of relationship with me, please guard your mouth even when I am not there... I know... I wish I didn't... But I know... and your malicious words behind my back keeps me away from you...
That's one of the reasons why I alienate myself from you...
The tale of 2 eagles
I hate to write this... But I have to... It is one of those blog entries plopped straight into my mind by the Holy Spirit...
----------------------------------------------------
I was at Hong Kong. It was five minutes before our meeting time.. I was standing at the twenty third floor hotel lobby looking out of the window... I saw 2 eagles... One was soaring intermittenly at a low level.. Only slightly higher than my eye level (at 23rd floor)... It flapped its wings tediously till it found its own pillar of hot air... It soared for awhile before losing the pillar of hot air and proceeding back to tediously flapping its wings in search of another pillar of hot air... For that split moments, it soared beautiful... before reverting back to its pigeon-like flapping...
The other eagle was flying at a much higher level... From my view, it looked so much smaller... But it did not flap its wings at all.. It was soaring effortlessly through the multiple pillars of hot air higher up in the atmosphere... It was magnificent...
----------------------------------------------------
God has created us to soar like eagles... But we must be at a level he has intended for us to be...
Perhaps the Koreans were my pillar of hot air.. I soared for a moment.. But when they left I reverted back to becoming a pigeon... What I need to do now is to move on to the higher level that God has intended me to be in...
I am just like that eagle who insists on flying on a lower level... There is a provider... Who can give me more than I can imagine.. But what I must do is to trust him and take the first step out... To brave the winds and fly at a higher level...
----------------------------------------------------
I was at Hong Kong. It was five minutes before our meeting time.. I was standing at the twenty third floor hotel lobby looking out of the window... I saw 2 eagles... One was soaring intermittenly at a low level.. Only slightly higher than my eye level (at 23rd floor)... It flapped its wings tediously till it found its own pillar of hot air... It soared for awhile before losing the pillar of hot air and proceeding back to tediously flapping its wings in search of another pillar of hot air... For that split moments, it soared beautiful... before reverting back to its pigeon-like flapping...
The other eagle was flying at a much higher level... From my view, it looked so much smaller... But it did not flap its wings at all.. It was soaring effortlessly through the multiple pillars of hot air higher up in the atmosphere... It was magnificent...
----------------------------------------------------
God has created us to soar like eagles... But we must be at a level he has intended for us to be...
Perhaps the Koreans were my pillar of hot air.. I soared for a moment.. But when they left I reverted back to becoming a pigeon... What I need to do now is to move on to the higher level that God has intended me to be in...
I am just like that eagle who insists on flying on a lower level... There is a provider... Who can give me more than I can imagine.. But what I must do is to trust him and take the first step out... To brave the winds and fly at a higher level...
2 Peter
2 Peter:4-9
Through these things he has bestowed on us his precious and most magnificent promises, so that by means of what was promised you may become partakers of the divine nature, after escaping the worldly corruption that is produced by evil desire.
For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith excellence, to excellence, knowlege; to knowledge, self-control; to self-control, perserverance; to perserverance, godliness; to godliness, brotherly affection; to brotherly affection, unselfish love.
For if these things are really yours and are continually increasing, they will keep you from becoming ineffective and unproductive in your pursuit of knowing our Lord Jesus Christ more intmately.
But concerning the one who lacks such things - he is blind. That is to say, he is nearsighted, since he has forgotten about the cleansing of his past sins.
-----------------------------------------------------
Consider the sequence:
Faith
Excellence
Knowledge
Self-control
Perseverance
Godliness
Brotherly Affection
Unselfish Love
Through these things he has bestowed on us his precious and most magnificent promises, so that by means of what was promised you may become partakers of the divine nature, after escaping the worldly corruption that is produced by evil desire.
For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith excellence, to excellence, knowlege; to knowledge, self-control; to self-control, perserverance; to perserverance, godliness; to godliness, brotherly affection; to brotherly affection, unselfish love.
For if these things are really yours and are continually increasing, they will keep you from becoming ineffective and unproductive in your pursuit of knowing our Lord Jesus Christ more intmately.
But concerning the one who lacks such things - he is blind. That is to say, he is nearsighted, since he has forgotten about the cleansing of his past sins.
-----------------------------------------------------
Consider the sequence:
Faith
Excellence
Knowledge
Self-control
Perseverance
Godliness
Brotherly Affection
Unselfish Love
Bowing
One thing I learnt from the recent NCAP course... One thing I really really really admired... One thing that got into my heart... The following:
Bowing must be done in a slow and dignified manner... It signifies respect, humility and DEPENDENCE on another individual... Bowing must never be done to hide malicious intentions... It must be done genuinely...
I have been so lost.. So proud and so 'independent'... I have forgotten all about the fact that Taekwondo is all about mutual dependence... How can you spar without an opponent? How can you improve without someone to hold the target for you? How can you grow without someone to correct your mistakes? How can you train without an instructor... How can an instructor conduct a class without his students? How can juniors survive without the tender care of their seniors? How can seniors survive without the respect of their juniors?
The concept of mutual dependence is so intrinsic to taekwondo that it is encapsulated even in the process of bowing... Bowing has become such a habit that it has lost its significance.. In essence.. when you bow to someone, you are telling him/her that you GENUINELY respect him, you want to learn from him and you need him... Do it slowly and in a dignified manner.. With your feet closed, your fists at the side of your body... Do it properly... And everytime you do it, clense yourself.. Tell yourself this," I have bowed to this person, I will not do or say mean things about him... Or my bowing will lose its meaning."
Dear Lord,
I have been so wrong..
I now know that there is something
very innately wrong about my character..
My pride has forced me into a shell..
I am so sorry...
I am like salt that has lost its saltiness...
I am no longer good for anything...
For you have showed me grace...
And kept me in the squad...
I need to know the purpose...
Of my presence..
I am so sorry...
I am so sorry...
Thanks for blessing me despite my pride..
In Jesus's name,
Amen
------------------------------------------
Sam Sir told me this: (pardon me for recollection errors)
Taekwondo trains a man to become a physically, morally and socially idealistic person.
In essence, man are flexible creatures... They will stay alive... even if they choose to direspect their parents, themselves... They can spout vulgarities, drink and smoke... indulge in all kinds of pornography... But what taekwondo trains us to be is to have a backbone of morals... Of inflexible values that must be attained... In order to have a dignified life...
Be a good man... Taekwondo is not all about kicks and punches, medals and fame... It is about being a good man...or woman...
Bowing must be done in a slow and dignified manner... It signifies respect, humility and DEPENDENCE on another individual... Bowing must never be done to hide malicious intentions... It must be done genuinely...
I have been so lost.. So proud and so 'independent'... I have forgotten all about the fact that Taekwondo is all about mutual dependence... How can you spar without an opponent? How can you improve without someone to hold the target for you? How can you grow without someone to correct your mistakes? How can you train without an instructor... How can an instructor conduct a class without his students? How can juniors survive without the tender care of their seniors? How can seniors survive without the respect of their juniors?
The concept of mutual dependence is so intrinsic to taekwondo that it is encapsulated even in the process of bowing... Bowing has become such a habit that it has lost its significance.. In essence.. when you bow to someone, you are telling him/her that you GENUINELY respect him, you want to learn from him and you need him... Do it slowly and in a dignified manner.. With your feet closed, your fists at the side of your body... Do it properly... And everytime you do it, clense yourself.. Tell yourself this," I have bowed to this person, I will not do or say mean things about him... Or my bowing will lose its meaning."
Dear Lord,
I have been so wrong..
I now know that there is something
very innately wrong about my character..
My pride has forced me into a shell..
I am so sorry...
I am like salt that has lost its saltiness...
I am no longer good for anything...
For you have showed me grace...
And kept me in the squad...
I need to know the purpose...
Of my presence..
I am so sorry...
I am so sorry...
Thanks for blessing me despite my pride..
In Jesus's name,
Amen
------------------------------------------
Sam Sir told me this: (pardon me for recollection errors)
Taekwondo trains a man to become a physically, morally and socially idealistic person.
In essence, man are flexible creatures... They will stay alive... even if they choose to direspect their parents, themselves... They can spout vulgarities, drink and smoke... indulge in all kinds of pornography... But what taekwondo trains us to be is to have a backbone of morals... Of inflexible values that must be attained... In order to have a dignified life...
Be a good man... Taekwondo is not all about kicks and punches, medals and fame... It is about being a good man...or woman...
Collection of thoughts (Premature wisdom)
The coming of the Koreans and the Hongkong trip have brought so much thought to my head it is literally impossible to organize these thoughts into neat and constructive blog entries. Instead, they are merely premature ideas for future entries... consolidated in small passages. I hope you would be able to read between the lines... And I am confident that with your maturity, you will know exactly what is between the lines... Teach me... I have all the pieces, but I fail to put them together...
-----------------------------------------------------------
I have always been a hater of pride... I hate it when others criticize the weak and imperfect... I see the world in a very different light... People are popular because of their talent, good looks, capability, confidence and achievement... But for me, the only thing that really matters is the heart... I have lived long enough to realize that the only relationship that matters are the genuine ones that can weather storms... If I am loved for my visible qualities (eg. Talent, money)... when I lose those things,my relationships crumble... I prefer to invest time on the genuine relationships that are based on heart to heart connection... It is of utmost importance that I know you will never judge me and will stay with me through thick and thin...
But such people are so rare... Instead of love, most people these days bond through hate... When they share a common hatred for someone, they feel equally victimized and hurt... They wallow in self-pity together and collectively ostracize that object of hatred... It is not difficult to find an object of hate... You just have to be different from the rest...
Perhaps my standards are high... People who are genuinely kind and God fearing.. such people are so rare... At least in the place I am in now... Instead of trying to mingle with those who fall short of my stringent criterion, I simply alienate myself from everyone... Thinking that I am protecting myself from them... Thinking that I am preventing myself from being corrupted... But how can I bring the love of God to those who really need it if I behave like a hermit? How can I be any good to the kingdom of God? I have become an object of hate... Contrary to my purpose... All because of my pride...
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I surprised myself... It was a Monday (22/2/10)...
I couldn't stop myself from losing faith in love... from losing faith in God... Despite all the faith proclaiming messages I have written on my blog... my mind has its own store of implicit memories that govern me to believe contrary... I no longer believe in love.. I no longer believe that God will be so kind to bless me with love, affection and warmth...
My heart is cold... I have become so good at living alone that I am truly independent... I have become so good at ignoring all my human emotions that there is no relationship I cannot severe...
But you moved me... For once, in a long time... Instead of indifference, I felt desperate... Even if it was for one second, I wanted to see you again... I felt human.. I found myself praying, “Please be kind to me... I am not greedy.. I just want one last look... Even if it is for one second...”
The voice of logic.. the voice of adulthood in my head said:
“It does not matter.. so what if you met them for one second, what difference would it make? You will never be able to own them... it is an impossible relationship... Your love will be wasted once again... And you will cry... You will taste bitterness and misery again... And you will be weakened...”
“I will take the weakness, bitterness and misery...I am willing to risk my heart and endure the pain... I know you will never understand it.. But these people really liked me... I have never been liked for years... Everyone around me has such a poor impression of me... Even I have started to hate myself... But they came.. And despite all odds.. managed to conjure an impression of love on me.. .They said that I was too kind... They told me that I was too sensitive and that would bring me hurt... For once, they thought me my shoes... Everyone else has only chided me for my sensitivity and labeled it as a legitimate cause to abuse me... They are precious to me... They loved me... They helped me to love myself...”
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When you become a fighter, you are no longer human... You no longer have the right to fear, weakness and pain... No one will forgive you.. not even yourself...
You may have menstrual cramps, you may have a sprained ankle, you may have a gigantic wart on the ball of your feet, you may be malnourished, you may have just suffered a lost in the family, you may have just lost your job, you may have just broken up with your boyfriend...
But in the arena, you are no longer you, you are a fighter and fighters cannot afford to have emotion, sympathy or love, they have no story... they have no human weakness.... They need only focus at the task at hand... to win...
-----------------------------------------------------------
I have always been a hater of pride... I hate it when others criticize the weak and imperfect... I see the world in a very different light... People are popular because of their talent, good looks, capability, confidence and achievement... But for me, the only thing that really matters is the heart... I have lived long enough to realize that the only relationship that matters are the genuine ones that can weather storms... If I am loved for my visible qualities (eg. Talent, money)... when I lose those things,my relationships crumble... I prefer to invest time on the genuine relationships that are based on heart to heart connection... It is of utmost importance that I know you will never judge me and will stay with me through thick and thin...
But such people are so rare... Instead of love, most people these days bond through hate... When they share a common hatred for someone, they feel equally victimized and hurt... They wallow in self-pity together and collectively ostracize that object of hatred... It is not difficult to find an object of hate... You just have to be different from the rest...
Perhaps my standards are high... People who are genuinely kind and God fearing.. such people are so rare... At least in the place I am in now... Instead of trying to mingle with those who fall short of my stringent criterion, I simply alienate myself from everyone... Thinking that I am protecting myself from them... Thinking that I am preventing myself from being corrupted... But how can I bring the love of God to those who really need it if I behave like a hermit? How can I be any good to the kingdom of God? I have become an object of hate... Contrary to my purpose... All because of my pride...
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I surprised myself... It was a Monday (22/2/10)...
I couldn't stop myself from losing faith in love... from losing faith in God... Despite all the faith proclaiming messages I have written on my blog... my mind has its own store of implicit memories that govern me to believe contrary... I no longer believe in love.. I no longer believe that God will be so kind to bless me with love, affection and warmth...
My heart is cold... I have become so good at living alone that I am truly independent... I have become so good at ignoring all my human emotions that there is no relationship I cannot severe...
But you moved me... For once, in a long time... Instead of indifference, I felt desperate... Even if it was for one second, I wanted to see you again... I felt human.. I found myself praying, “Please be kind to me... I am not greedy.. I just want one last look... Even if it is for one second...”
The voice of logic.. the voice of adulthood in my head said:
“It does not matter.. so what if you met them for one second, what difference would it make? You will never be able to own them... it is an impossible relationship... Your love will be wasted once again... And you will cry... You will taste bitterness and misery again... And you will be weakened...”
“I will take the weakness, bitterness and misery...I am willing to risk my heart and endure the pain... I know you will never understand it.. But these people really liked me... I have never been liked for years... Everyone around me has such a poor impression of me... Even I have started to hate myself... But they came.. And despite all odds.. managed to conjure an impression of love on me.. .They said that I was too kind... They told me that I was too sensitive and that would bring me hurt... For once, they thought me my shoes... Everyone else has only chided me for my sensitivity and labeled it as a legitimate cause to abuse me... They are precious to me... They loved me... They helped me to love myself...”
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When you become a fighter, you are no longer human... You no longer have the right to fear, weakness and pain... No one will forgive you.. not even yourself...
You may have menstrual cramps, you may have a sprained ankle, you may have a gigantic wart on the ball of your feet, you may be malnourished, you may have just suffered a lost in the family, you may have just lost your job, you may have just broken up with your boyfriend...
But in the arena, you are no longer you, you are a fighter and fighters cannot afford to have emotion, sympathy or love, they have no story... they have no human weakness.... They need only focus at the task at hand... to win...
Saturday, February 13, 2010
A beautiful dream
It was tough today...
Everywhere I look...
All I can see is the absence of you..
It is strange...
How your presence has changed my perception of space...
No longer do I associate the space with pain and rejection...
I am genuinely happy...
I am confident...
God has been kind to me...
He sent you to me exactly when I needed you...
I refrained from taking too many photos..
I refrained from acknowledging how happy I actually was...
All because I knew that when I look back at the photos...
I will remember you...
And I will miss you too much...
I must keep you in my memory and my memory alone...
No hard proof you really existed...
That way, I can imagine that you are only a dream...
That way, I can go back on to living the way I lived...
Before you came...
But I am glad you came...
If it was really a dream...
Then, it was a really good one...
You have given me the courage to do what I have to do...
You are solid hard proof that a more beautiful world exists...
Out in the dark, unexplored world...
Everywhere I look...
All I can see is the absence of you..
It is strange...
How your presence has changed my perception of space...
No longer do I associate the space with pain and rejection...
I am genuinely happy...
I am confident...
God has been kind to me...
He sent you to me exactly when I needed you...
I refrained from taking too many photos..
I refrained from acknowledging how happy I actually was...
All because I knew that when I look back at the photos...
I will remember you...
And I will miss you too much...
I must keep you in my memory and my memory alone...
No hard proof you really existed...
That way, I can imagine that you are only a dream...
That way, I can go back on to living the way I lived...
Before you came...
But I am glad you came...
If it was really a dream...
Then, it was a really good one...
You have given me the courage to do what I have to do...
You are solid hard proof that a more beautiful world exists...
Out in the dark, unexplored world...
Friday, February 12, 2010
WTF angels
In the company of the Korean WTF peace corps, I have experienced three weeks of utter surreality...
We are all human beings.. But the four of them are so kind, so patient, so accommodating, polite, so perfect... and to top it off... so genuine.. It is hard to find any flaws with them...
Perhaps good upbringing can really change the nature of a man... I see nothing evil in their eyes... I thought all kind words and good actions, were merely acts cover up evil intentions.. But they were genuinely nice... and genuinely kind..
I know its childish... But I wish they could stay forever... Part of my mind knows that if they did stay for a longer period of time.. half a year perhaps, things might be different... We will definitely run into some conflict... We will experience culture shocks.. We might even start taking each other for granted... Worse of all, I might start getting used to their presence... and find it impossible to stay alive without them..
It is good then.. that they leave... And with them, my heart shall board the plane to Korea... Haha...
So surreal.. So beautiful... Ever since they came, I find myself crying every single night knowing that they will eventually leave... And the next day, I see myself drawing nearer to them trying to savour every single precious moment I have with them... It is this very painful cycle that occurred daily for the past three weeks... that has drained me...
But I am amazed by my own strength and mental capacity.. Knowing full well, the closer I get to them, the more devastated I will be... I still chose to draw near... Love is so great... I would rather have and lose.. then to not have at all...
Will make an effort to keep in contact with them!!!
They are God's gift to me... A month of joy... A breath of fresh air.... From them, I learned humility, respect, etiquette, tactfulness and kindness... Thank you so much for sending them to us God, really appreciate it!! =)
We are all human beings.. But the four of them are so kind, so patient, so accommodating, polite, so perfect... and to top it off... so genuine.. It is hard to find any flaws with them...
Perhaps good upbringing can really change the nature of a man... I see nothing evil in their eyes... I thought all kind words and good actions, were merely acts cover up evil intentions.. But they were genuinely nice... and genuinely kind..
I know its childish... But I wish they could stay forever... Part of my mind knows that if they did stay for a longer period of time.. half a year perhaps, things might be different... We will definitely run into some conflict... We will experience culture shocks.. We might even start taking each other for granted... Worse of all, I might start getting used to their presence... and find it impossible to stay alive without them..
It is good then.. that they leave... And with them, my heart shall board the plane to Korea... Haha...
So surreal.. So beautiful... Ever since they came, I find myself crying every single night knowing that they will eventually leave... And the next day, I see myself drawing nearer to them trying to savour every single precious moment I have with them... It is this very painful cycle that occurred daily for the past three weeks... that has drained me...
But I am amazed by my own strength and mental capacity.. Knowing full well, the closer I get to them, the more devastated I will be... I still chose to draw near... Love is so great... I would rather have and lose.. then to not have at all...
Will make an effort to keep in contact with them!!!
They are God's gift to me... A month of joy... A breath of fresh air.... From them, I learned humility, respect, etiquette, tactfulness and kindness... Thank you so much for sending them to us God, really appreciate it!! =)
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