I hate to say this.. But I have appeared to have lost all faculties of getting depressed... I might try to induce some emotions, to savour the pain and heartache.. But I can't seem to push it far anymore... I can't cry for beyond 5 minutes... And even if I do succeed in flooding myself with all kinds of negative thoughts... Tbey don't seem to have power over me anymore... It is strange...
It appears that my body has lost all ability of becoming depressed... It is like it has forgotten how to be depressed.. It's strange really... When all I want to do now is to push myself off the cliff and sink right into the mad rush of negativity... I can't...
All I feel is this overwhelming sense of peace... Like God is holding on to my heart and resisting all my efforts in trying to sink it into the deep... It feels a lot like an ant's effort compared to the power that is now within me... It is strange.. And in a way.. miraculous.. Just a few months ago, I would have easily given in... Perhaps it is true.. To be a child of God.. is to be a prisoner of hope...
Friday, January 29, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Do not boast about tomorrow,
for you do not know what a day
may bring forth. (Proverbs 27:1)
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I do love this verse... It's so true... In the past, when people asked me about my plans for the future, I would (very reluctantly) begin talking about a future that seems very proper in the eyes of the world.. A future that involves a good stable job, a good stable hubby and good God-fearing children... It is my effort to blend into the crowd and be accepted..
But I have grown to embrace this rebellious nature of mine... I hate the common route of life.. I hate to have to conform to society's mold of a perfect life... And if there is one lesson that life has taught me well... That would be the lesson that life is unpredictable.. Of course, I have yet to reach the state of indifference when I would throw out the cliche of life being cruelly unpredictable.. But I do agree with the latter.. It is unpredictable..
Thus, when people ask me about my plans for the future (much of the abuse can be forecasted for CNY)... I would give them this reply, "I do not know what God has in store for me... BUT I plan to embrace the callings in my life... Persist in my passion for taekwondo and and take on as many odd jobs as I can find to sustain that dream."
Which would be the plain truth...
Of course, I have thought about other exit strategies such as asking them about their lives before they even begin to get 'concerned' about mine... But perhaps, what this wod lacks is that bit of honesty... I would be a better host this year... I would answer their questions and change the topic to lighter hearted ones like movies and music...
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With that said, my future is really a vast blotch of darkness... I can't see a future beyond tomorrow... Everything seems to be meaningless... Save my passion for taekwondo.. Even that, I can't see a clear direction...
I crave for change.. For some kind of immense adventure... For someone to sweep me off my feet... For an opportunity to learn so much that it opens new doors and windows for self learning..
But my future was never in my hands.. It has always been in the hands of God..
Dear Lord,
You have said in your holy scriptures that
the path of the righteous shines brighter and brighter,
that our future can only bring greater things into our lifes.
I feel the age of years weighing upon my shoulders,
I feel the need to define myself..
I feel the need for maturity and independence...
Age should have been a pleasing gift...
For with age comes wisdom and understanding...
But I fear that I have grown embarrassed of my age...
I do not feel wise or independent enough to be of this age...
Even my family members mock me...
Please bless me with a direction...
I commit everything into your hands..
In Jesus's name,
Amen
for you do not know what a day
may bring forth. (Proverbs 27:1)
------------------------------------------------------
I do love this verse... It's so true... In the past, when people asked me about my plans for the future, I would (very reluctantly) begin talking about a future that seems very proper in the eyes of the world.. A future that involves a good stable job, a good stable hubby and good God-fearing children... It is my effort to blend into the crowd and be accepted..
But I have grown to embrace this rebellious nature of mine... I hate the common route of life.. I hate to have to conform to society's mold of a perfect life... And if there is one lesson that life has taught me well... That would be the lesson that life is unpredictable.. Of course, I have yet to reach the state of indifference when I would throw out the cliche of life being cruelly unpredictable.. But I do agree with the latter.. It is unpredictable..
Thus, when people ask me about my plans for the future (much of the abuse can be forecasted for CNY)... I would give them this reply, "I do not know what God has in store for me... BUT I plan to embrace the callings in my life... Persist in my passion for taekwondo and and take on as many odd jobs as I can find to sustain that dream."
Which would be the plain truth...
Of course, I have thought about other exit strategies such as asking them about their lives before they even begin to get 'concerned' about mine... But perhaps, what this wod lacks is that bit of honesty... I would be a better host this year... I would answer their questions and change the topic to lighter hearted ones like movies and music...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
With that said, my future is really a vast blotch of darkness... I can't see a future beyond tomorrow... Everything seems to be meaningless... Save my passion for taekwondo.. Even that, I can't see a clear direction...
I crave for change.. For some kind of immense adventure... For someone to sweep me off my feet... For an opportunity to learn so much that it opens new doors and windows for self learning..
But my future was never in my hands.. It has always been in the hands of God..
Dear Lord,
You have said in your holy scriptures that
the path of the righteous shines brighter and brighter,
that our future can only bring greater things into our lifes.
I feel the age of years weighing upon my shoulders,
I feel the need to define myself..
I feel the need for maturity and independence...
Age should have been a pleasing gift...
For with age comes wisdom and understanding...
But I fear that I have grown embarrassed of my age...
I do not feel wise or independent enough to be of this age...
Even my family members mock me...
Please bless me with a direction...
I commit everything into your hands..
In Jesus's name,
Amen
Friday, January 22, 2010
My sister once told me:
Sometimes people abuse you or ignore you because they love you too much... They are afraid that you might leave them one day... and when that day comes, they will not have the capacity to handle your departure.. Thus they distance themselves from you from the very beginning.. hoping that when that day arrives... They will be able to handle it better...
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How I wish that this the reason why people distance themselves from me... Then my loneliness won't be in vain...
Sometimes people abuse you or ignore you because they love you too much... They are afraid that you might leave them one day... and when that day comes, they will not have the capacity to handle your departure.. Thus they distance themselves from you from the very beginning.. hoping that when that day arrives... They will be able to handle it better...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
How I wish that this the reason why people distance themselves from me... Then my loneliness won't be in vain...
love
This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brother. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. (1 John 3:16)
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I was at church last Sunday... Sitting in the auditorium... I felt a whole lot of emotion welling through me during praise and worship... I felt happiness, sadness, weariness, indifference, heartache... And the camera swept past my seat and showed me on the big screen, I was surprised to see that all I could see was a stoning middle aged lady staring blankly at the stage...
It was then that I realized... that it does not matter how much emotion you feel... If you do not act on them... It is as good as if those emotions never existed... You might think that it is obvious enough and the world can see it... But the world is so good at ignoring the obvious.... what makes you think they can see through you?
Of course once in a while, you do meet an insightful person who sees right through you... But how often do such people come along?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Therefore, if you really do love someone... Do something about it... Cast aside all your reservations.. you can only live once... and today... could very well be the day you made the best decision of yourself... to love freely... It does not have to be a romantic love.. Love exists in so many forms... None greater than the other...
It is not good to mock or insult someone who loves greatly..
Nor is it good to praise a person full of hate...
In so doing, you are building barriers around the sacred..
And allowing the profane to go unpunished...
And yet, such is the way of the world...
A woman who loves boldly is insulted...
A man who loves boldly is humiliated...
People who criticize others and hate openly...
Are respected and feared...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I was at church last Sunday... Sitting in the auditorium... I felt a whole lot of emotion welling through me during praise and worship... I felt happiness, sadness, weariness, indifference, heartache... And the camera swept past my seat and showed me on the big screen, I was surprised to see that all I could see was a stoning middle aged lady staring blankly at the stage...
It was then that I realized... that it does not matter how much emotion you feel... If you do not act on them... It is as good as if those emotions never existed... You might think that it is obvious enough and the world can see it... But the world is so good at ignoring the obvious.... what makes you think they can see through you?
Of course once in a while, you do meet an insightful person who sees right through you... But how often do such people come along?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Therefore, if you really do love someone... Do something about it... Cast aside all your reservations.. you can only live once... and today... could very well be the day you made the best decision of yourself... to love freely... It does not have to be a romantic love.. Love exists in so many forms... None greater than the other...
It is not good to mock or insult someone who loves greatly..
Nor is it good to praise a person full of hate...
In so doing, you are building barriers around the sacred..
And allowing the profane to go unpunished...
And yet, such is the way of the world...
A woman who loves boldly is insulted...
A man who loves boldly is humiliated...
People who criticize others and hate openly...
Are respected and feared...
Monday, January 18, 2010
Reading myself
Two months away from my blog and I feel like I have accumulated a wealth of unwritten blog entries... All waiting to be unleashed on koalathong... The problem with writing blog entries is that you crave for readership.. Which I foresee will lead me inevitably to revealing this blog address on my facebook page in approximately one or two days time (God, I do know myself quite well)
Of course there is always this constant fear within me that someone who hates me might stumble on this blog and once again use its contents as food for his/her sarcastic and mean jokes... But with that said, men were so critical of Jesus when he was on this world... Did he stop preaching? Did he stop doing all that controversial healing on sabbath? No.
So I guess that that piece of reservation will be torn apart in approximately 30 hours... and you will be reading this around Wednesday morning...
Haha, does sound a little Sherlock Holmes of me doesn't it? Haha.
Of course there is always this constant fear within me that someone who hates me might stumble on this blog and once again use its contents as food for his/her sarcastic and mean jokes... But with that said, men were so critical of Jesus when he was on this world... Did he stop preaching? Did he stop doing all that controversial healing on sabbath? No.
So I guess that that piece of reservation will be torn apart in approximately 30 hours... and you will be reading this around Wednesday morning...
Haha, does sound a little Sherlock Holmes of me doesn't it? Haha.
Language
I have been good with words since I was young... Always been a straight As English student..
But it is only lately that I have learned that English, or rather, language is only a means of translation of the substance you have within you... the thoughts you have in your mind... the character you house in your body and the holy spirit you have within you.. If you have excellent language but queer and terrible thoughts, even the most beautiful English cannot make what you write beautiful..
With that said, consider the bible... Consider the NIV... Simple sentences... But so powerful...
But it is only lately that I have learned that English, or rather, language is only a means of translation of the substance you have within you... the thoughts you have in your mind... the character you house in your body and the holy spirit you have within you.. If you have excellent language but queer and terrible thoughts, even the most beautiful English cannot make what you write beautiful..
With that said, consider the bible... Consider the NIV... Simple sentences... But so powerful...
Update on my life
The past two months of my life have been floaty (sorry if it reminds you of root beer)... I must say that it feels a lot like drifting from day to day in a dream like state... it carries with it this surreal quality that is both delectable and revolting...
It is like this.. when you have yet to find your direction in life... My pastor mentioned this yesterday... I know its quite an assumption to jump into the belief that that could possibly be the message that God has put into his mouth for me.. but what if it is...
"You will always be feeling uncomfortable when you are not making use of the gift that God has put in you."
Yes... It must be so then... All I have to do is to find the direction that God has planned for me... My mum says that all I have to do is to take the bold step and leave and God will do the rest... lead me to the place he has for me..
Nonetheless, I really do not want to... I must admit that I have become hooked on this lifestyle... I am a training addict... I can't imagine any other life... Perhaps I will grow into one of those 40 year olds who still make it a point to exercise everyday.. for fear of aging or simply gaining weight... This sorts of bring another analogy to mind... PARALLEL time...
Female smokers... Can't stop smoking... Too afraid that in the absence of smoke, they might gain weight... Sadly, in the process of smoking, they are shortening their lives and causing their skin to age faster... Perhaps the best thing to do is to... STOP smoking, exercise more... and invest in a good skin care regime to cure the years of smoke damage to their skin...
Guess it is time to take a bold step... What will it be? Haha, if my life is a korean soap opera... this will be one of those intriguing end of episodes.. HAHA
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I guess it might come to a shock to some of you that I am actually capable of writing such 'worldly' blog entries.. Well, I guess I am a fervent christian.. but that is really only one aspect of me... There are so many other sides of me... And I am only starting to understand myself better!!
It is like this.. when you have yet to find your direction in life... My pastor mentioned this yesterday... I know its quite an assumption to jump into the belief that that could possibly be the message that God has put into his mouth for me.. but what if it is...
"You will always be feeling uncomfortable when you are not making use of the gift that God has put in you."
Yes... It must be so then... All I have to do is to find the direction that God has planned for me... My mum says that all I have to do is to take the bold step and leave and God will do the rest... lead me to the place he has for me..
Nonetheless, I really do not want to... I must admit that I have become hooked on this lifestyle... I am a training addict... I can't imagine any other life... Perhaps I will grow into one of those 40 year olds who still make it a point to exercise everyday.. for fear of aging or simply gaining weight... This sorts of bring another analogy to mind... PARALLEL time...
Female smokers... Can't stop smoking... Too afraid that in the absence of smoke, they might gain weight... Sadly, in the process of smoking, they are shortening their lives and causing their skin to age faster... Perhaps the best thing to do is to... STOP smoking, exercise more... and invest in a good skin care regime to cure the years of smoke damage to their skin...
Guess it is time to take a bold step... What will it be? Haha, if my life is a korean soap opera... this will be one of those intriguing end of episodes.. HAHA
----------------------------------------------------------------
I guess it might come to a shock to some of you that I am actually capable of writing such 'worldly' blog entries.. Well, I guess I am a fervent christian.. but that is really only one aspect of me... There are so many other sides of me... And I am only starting to understand myself better!!
Night
Most people feel particularly emotional at night... And when they wake in the morning, they are confronted with feelings of bemusement, disbelief and sometimes, absolute shock... of the thoughts they have conceived the night before... of their rash words and actions... They quickly delete the memory of their moments of weakness... delete all traces of their helplessness and passion and delete all inappropriate face book messages...
But I have started considering the possibilities of this night time influx of emotion... What if it is really our most honest time of the day... when all that strength and facade of poise is ripped away and you are left with your raw true self... Perhaps it is wise to respect the thoughts you develop when you are your in your true, raw, vulnerable form...
The frightening truth is that unlike other days... I woke up this morning feeling stronger in the convictions I had developed the night before... Perhaps, my ideas and emotions have led to the birth of a new revelation.. One that is not meant to be deleted like the rest...
One that is meant to be respected...
But I have started considering the possibilities of this night time influx of emotion... What if it is really our most honest time of the day... when all that strength and facade of poise is ripped away and you are left with your raw true self... Perhaps it is wise to respect the thoughts you develop when you are your in your true, raw, vulnerable form...
The frightening truth is that unlike other days... I woke up this morning feeling stronger in the convictions I had developed the night before... Perhaps, my ideas and emotions have led to the birth of a new revelation.. One that is not meant to be deleted like the rest...
One that is meant to be respected...
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