I am back

During my month long fast from taekwondo... I had a dream... I dreamed that I was back in the squad and people were much nicer to me...

My dream came true!! I am back... and the kids are much nicer to me... Even Mam is nicer to me... I feel this overwhelming sense of peace... Like everything is exactly where it should be...

The kids are a lot kinder to me... At least they no longer make an effort to irritate me... They either leave me alone or talk to me politely... Mam's and Mr Lim's efforts to maintain discipline in the squad has worked... I feel much more at ease now... No longer on my toes waiting to be offended... I like it... I can now train without any emotional or mental stress... The squad has become a haven...

The bad news is.... It is unlikely that I will be fighting any international tournament anytime soon... In fact, after I start work in about a week's time... I will probably only be able to train once or twice a week...

Nonetheless, I have already fought so many tournaments... I am glad that I took a month's break to sort myself out... It is food my soul needs so much more than yet another exhausting tournament...

It's surprising how rest can change my perspective completely... I no longer feel so tired and drained... I no longer feel so obligated to look after and worse to DISCIPLINE the juniors...

I am just down to train... And when necessary, help to sweep the floor, clear the rubbish... No need to make so much effort (spend so much money) to plan birthday celebrations, make up a duty roster... Which is good... Doing all these things only gave me an opportunity to reveal my imperfections... I couldn't plan the perfect birthday parties and chart out the perfect rosters... People were upset with me... And worse still... I got so drained and out of shape and out of cash that it really irritated me when people were upset with me... A recipe for disaster...

Now that I am no longer responsible for all these things, there are no longer any platforms for the children to hate me... Which is good... I have learned to keep still and let God work...

Now I am a lot more relaxed... =)

Not forgetting that I have learned a very important lesson:

God can work even if I do nothing.. I don't have to be so eager to contribute... Sometimes I make a mess out of everything in my attempts to help... You know how insensitive and compassionate I can be at times... When I am given responsibility, all that insensitivity is put into action and I always end up dictating people, hurting feelings and making people (who are otherwise so determined to like me), hate me...

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I am not a savior... In fact, I am so out of shape, I need someone to save me!! I am no longer going to pretend to be that emotionless, sturdy and hard character...

I am going to be honest with myself and all of you... I am in no position to help you... I am here because I want to train... I love taekwondo... I love all of you too.. But the best thing I can do for you is to be relaxed and happy... NOT to run around, get all flustered, pale, malnourished and ugly... doing things that you all really do not need me to do...

I will focus on one thing - RELAX...