Resolutions for the rest of the year:
1)Read the Newspapers daily (Improve my english)
2)Physical exercise (as often as possible)
3)Healthier diet (Brown rice, lots of water, a variety of fruits and vegetables)
4)Earn and save lots of money
5)Attend church every Sunday
6)Join a cell group
7)Meet up with friends at least once a week
8)Contribute to the family - housework, at least $200 a month
9)Pick up korean language
10)Visit Korean friends in December
----------------------------------------------------------------
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
First entry from work
Lunch time... 6th day at work... commencing my second week...
I have to say with absolute honesty that this job is great. Encourages me to think. In fact, this job involves so much thinking, its supported by my creative juices. Quite impressive actually. It offers so many opportunites for self-learning, research and reading. I feel so ENRICHED. Even though it has only been a week.. =)
It is very different from sitting at home. The office has everything I need. It is so conducive for learning!
-------------------------------------------------
Trying to develop a thankful spirit... Implementing this new practice:
When saying grace (before each meal)- Think of one person to thank God for...
I have been doing this for the past week... And guess what? I am alot happier! Nothing's change... It's just that I have allowed myself to focus on the good side of life...
Perhaps the half-empty mindset has really poisoned my mind... It's time to swap it with a half-full mindset...
A thankful spirit ^^
I have to say with absolute honesty that this job is great. Encourages me to think. In fact, this job involves so much thinking, its supported by my creative juices. Quite impressive actually. It offers so many opportunites for self-learning, research and reading. I feel so ENRICHED. Even though it has only been a week.. =)
It is very different from sitting at home. The office has everything I need. It is so conducive for learning!
-------------------------------------------------
Trying to develop a thankful spirit... Implementing this new practice:
When saying grace (before each meal)- Think of one person to thank God for...
I have been doing this for the past week... And guess what? I am alot happier! Nothing's change... It's just that I have allowed myself to focus on the good side of life...
Perhaps the half-empty mindset has really poisoned my mind... It's time to swap it with a half-full mindset...
A thankful spirit ^^
Sunday, April 4, 2010
The best teacher in the world
Have you ever considered that if God was a man... He would be the best in which ever profession he chose to be...
If he chooses to be a fighter, he would probably knock everyone out... If he was an actor, he would be the most handsome actor... If he was a singer, he would have the most beautiful voice... If he was a teacher, he would be able to teach the best lessons in the gentlest ways.. without hurting or humiliating his students...
God is the best teacher in the world...
--------------------------------------------
One month has passed since I gave my life to God... And he taught me so much... How?
By magically introducing two persons into my life... Both of which possessed half of my flaws... What I am trying to say is that... I have been living with so many character flaws all these years... but I have been totally unaware of these flaws because I am such a unique character that very little people possess my 'qualities'... It was thus impossible for me to watch and learn and improve... without having such people who mirror me...
But in just one month... God gave me two mirrors:
Person A - The perfectionist - unable to handle stress and responsibility... she turns into a mad dictator under stress... So concerned with completing the task at hand, she totally ignores the fact that humans have emotions too.. In fact, her heart is so tightly bounded (trying to protect herself from disappointment) that she is so void of human emotion and compassion... she has become insensitive and inhumane... Her kindness is reserved only for a select few - her family members... She has ceased to trust everyone else... She is fault-finding, vindictive and very very stingy...
Person B - Young, arrogant, low self-esteem... High tendency to hero-worship... Uses arrogance to mask her low self-esteem... Always offering advise to people she hardly knows... Even to people older and more experienced than her... thinking that she knows everything because of all the hardship she has been through... She is totally oblivious to the fact that suffering is present in everyone's life.. Not only her own... And people are wiser than she imagines... She talks down to everyone.. Throwing 'wise sounding' advise whenever given an opportunity... Not knowing that it is actually rude to advise a senior on such sensitive matters of the heart... She jumps at every opportunity to help people... but end up irritating them instead...
She forgets that when trying to treat the broken hearts of others, extreme sensitivity and patience is required... She simplifies everything and throws out text book suggestions... Thus hurting the people she wants to help more... She tends to be attention seeking and unconcern of other people's impression of her... In her mind, she thinks "If they are so mean and vindictive, they are not worthy friends anyway." She forgets that good people take many forms... And some good people may have pet peeves.. and one of the pet peeves might include childishness... So, if you have that kind of mindset, you have just forsaken that large chunk of nice people...
-------------------------------------------
It is amazing... How I was so severely irritated with these two persons... I found myself at the edge of murdering them... I complained about them to my poor mummy whenever I got the opportunity... All until one fine day... It dawned upon me... I AM JUST LIKE THEM... AHHHH!!!!!!!
So, all this while I have been such a unlikeable character and no one told me!! Wait a minute, they did try to tell me, I just wasn't listening!
Now that I know how irritating I can be, I feel so grateful to all my training mates and friends who were able to love me despite all my craziness... And more importantly, I am so humbled... I know that I have no right to be angry with all the things I was angry with them for.. Because all these while, they have been tolerating my nonsense...
-----------------------------------------------
These days, I have become more careful with what I say... I try to catch my mean, sarcastic hurtful remarks before they leave my mouth... But I must say, I am still quite new with it... Sometimes the words leave my mouth and I find myself regretting it.. But at least now I am aware of the damage I have caused... In the past, I am totally oblivious and I get surprised when people start treating me badly...
Hello, who can I blame when people treat me badly after I have hurt them so much?!?
Wake up call...
----------------------------------------------
Advise to the persons A and B in me:
Person A - Needs to love people more... Learn to be more generous and less sensitive... People are not talking bad about you... Have a better opinion of yourself... This will develop into a better opinion of others... Be more focused on people... Do not be so task orientated... Must prioritize the feelings of others at all times... And most importantly, RELAX... when you are stressed out, you become a monster, really fierce, emotionless and UGLY...
Person B - Advise is a dangerous gift... Give it only when people ask for your opinion.. And even then, do it very tactfully and carefully... Offering advise has the effect of elevating yourself and demeaning others.. (if it is done badly)... Thus, if you are generally not good with your words, do not offer advise.. you are ruining relationships...
There are other ways of building relationships.. Talk about inconsequential things (like music, movies)... And when you are really close, you can start talking about more sensitive things... Either way, do not be too keen to help.. People do not like to be disturbed.. Learn to respect their personal space... Do not SMS or email them too frequently, you will make them obliged to respond out of courtesy... They will become so tired and thus, dislike you even more...
------------------------------------------------
Good thing is.. though Person A and Person B are completely different people and I do find them irritating at times, I cannot deny the fact that their irritating characteristics are derivatives of a heart of love... They love too much... And that has transformed them to what they have become... So despite my initial irritation with them, I find myself more and more determined to love them...
I am immensely irritated.... and at the same time, I am touched... And at the same time, I am challenged... I must say, such people are rare... And just a few days with them, you learn so much... not about yourself, but about humans on a whole... About how great we really are...
Both persons A and B have circles of friends who are deeply in love with them... Who are able to put up with their atypical behaviors... Why do they do that? Because of love...
I respect humans so much more now...
If he chooses to be a fighter, he would probably knock everyone out... If he was an actor, he would be the most handsome actor... If he was a singer, he would have the most beautiful voice... If he was a teacher, he would be able to teach the best lessons in the gentlest ways.. without hurting or humiliating his students...
God is the best teacher in the world...
--------------------------------------------
One month has passed since I gave my life to God... And he taught me so much... How?
By magically introducing two persons into my life... Both of which possessed half of my flaws... What I am trying to say is that... I have been living with so many character flaws all these years... but I have been totally unaware of these flaws because I am such a unique character that very little people possess my 'qualities'... It was thus impossible for me to watch and learn and improve... without having such people who mirror me...
But in just one month... God gave me two mirrors:
Person A - The perfectionist - unable to handle stress and responsibility... she turns into a mad dictator under stress... So concerned with completing the task at hand, she totally ignores the fact that humans have emotions too.. In fact, her heart is so tightly bounded (trying to protect herself from disappointment) that she is so void of human emotion and compassion... she has become insensitive and inhumane... Her kindness is reserved only for a select few - her family members... She has ceased to trust everyone else... She is fault-finding, vindictive and very very stingy...
Person B - Young, arrogant, low self-esteem... High tendency to hero-worship... Uses arrogance to mask her low self-esteem... Always offering advise to people she hardly knows... Even to people older and more experienced than her... thinking that she knows everything because of all the hardship she has been through... She is totally oblivious to the fact that suffering is present in everyone's life.. Not only her own... And people are wiser than she imagines... She talks down to everyone.. Throwing 'wise sounding' advise whenever given an opportunity... Not knowing that it is actually rude to advise a senior on such sensitive matters of the heart... She jumps at every opportunity to help people... but end up irritating them instead...
She forgets that when trying to treat the broken hearts of others, extreme sensitivity and patience is required... She simplifies everything and throws out text book suggestions... Thus hurting the people she wants to help more... She tends to be attention seeking and unconcern of other people's impression of her... In her mind, she thinks "If they are so mean and vindictive, they are not worthy friends anyway." She forgets that good people take many forms... And some good people may have pet peeves.. and one of the pet peeves might include childishness... So, if you have that kind of mindset, you have just forsaken that large chunk of nice people...
-------------------------------------------
It is amazing... How I was so severely irritated with these two persons... I found myself at the edge of murdering them... I complained about them to my poor mummy whenever I got the opportunity... All until one fine day... It dawned upon me... I AM JUST LIKE THEM... AHHHH!!!!!!!
So, all this while I have been such a unlikeable character and no one told me!! Wait a minute, they did try to tell me, I just wasn't listening!
Now that I know how irritating I can be, I feel so grateful to all my training mates and friends who were able to love me despite all my craziness... And more importantly, I am so humbled... I know that I have no right to be angry with all the things I was angry with them for.. Because all these while, they have been tolerating my nonsense...
-----------------------------------------------
These days, I have become more careful with what I say... I try to catch my mean, sarcastic hurtful remarks before they leave my mouth... But I must say, I am still quite new with it... Sometimes the words leave my mouth and I find myself regretting it.. But at least now I am aware of the damage I have caused... In the past, I am totally oblivious and I get surprised when people start treating me badly...
Hello, who can I blame when people treat me badly after I have hurt them so much?!?
Wake up call...
----------------------------------------------
Advise to the persons A and B in me:
Person A - Needs to love people more... Learn to be more generous and less sensitive... People are not talking bad about you... Have a better opinion of yourself... This will develop into a better opinion of others... Be more focused on people... Do not be so task orientated... Must prioritize the feelings of others at all times... And most importantly, RELAX... when you are stressed out, you become a monster, really fierce, emotionless and UGLY...
Person B - Advise is a dangerous gift... Give it only when people ask for your opinion.. And even then, do it very tactfully and carefully... Offering advise has the effect of elevating yourself and demeaning others.. (if it is done badly)... Thus, if you are generally not good with your words, do not offer advise.. you are ruining relationships...
There are other ways of building relationships.. Talk about inconsequential things (like music, movies)... And when you are really close, you can start talking about more sensitive things... Either way, do not be too keen to help.. People do not like to be disturbed.. Learn to respect their personal space... Do not SMS or email them too frequently, you will make them obliged to respond out of courtesy... They will become so tired and thus, dislike you even more...
------------------------------------------------
Good thing is.. though Person A and Person B are completely different people and I do find them irritating at times, I cannot deny the fact that their irritating characteristics are derivatives of a heart of love... They love too much... And that has transformed them to what they have become... So despite my initial irritation with them, I find myself more and more determined to love them...
I am immensely irritated.... and at the same time, I am touched... And at the same time, I am challenged... I must say, such people are rare... And just a few days with them, you learn so much... not about yourself, but about humans on a whole... About how great we really are...
Both persons A and B have circles of friends who are deeply in love with them... Who are able to put up with their atypical behaviors... Why do they do that? Because of love...
I respect humans so much more now...
I am back
During my month long fast from taekwondo... I had a dream... I dreamed that I was back in the squad and people were much nicer to me...
My dream came true!! I am back... and the kids are much nicer to me... Even Mam is nicer to me... I feel this overwhelming sense of peace... Like everything is exactly where it should be...
The kids are a lot kinder to me... At least they no longer make an effort to irritate me... They either leave me alone or talk to me politely... Mam's and Mr Lim's efforts to maintain discipline in the squad has worked... I feel much more at ease now... No longer on my toes waiting to be offended... I like it... I can now train without any emotional or mental stress... The squad has become a haven...
The bad news is.... It is unlikely that I will be fighting any international tournament anytime soon... In fact, after I start work in about a week's time... I will probably only be able to train once or twice a week...
Nonetheless, I have already fought so many tournaments... I am glad that I took a month's break to sort myself out... It is food my soul needs so much more than yet another exhausting tournament...
It's surprising how rest can change my perspective completely... I no longer feel so tired and drained... I no longer feel so obligated to look after and worse to DISCIPLINE the juniors...
I am just down to train... And when necessary, help to sweep the floor, clear the rubbish... No need to make so much effort (spend so much money) to plan birthday celebrations, make up a duty roster... Which is good... Doing all these things only gave me an opportunity to reveal my imperfections... I couldn't plan the perfect birthday parties and chart out the perfect rosters... People were upset with me... And worse still... I got so drained and out of shape and out of cash that it really irritated me when people were upset with me... A recipe for disaster...
Now that I am no longer responsible for all these things, there are no longer any platforms for the children to hate me... Which is good... I have learned to keep still and let God work...
Now I am a lot more relaxed... =)
Not forgetting that I have learned a very important lesson:
God can work even if I do nothing.. I don't have to be so eager to contribute... Sometimes I make a mess out of everything in my attempts to help... You know how insensitive and compassionate I can be at times... When I am given responsibility, all that insensitivity is put into action and I always end up dictating people, hurting feelings and making people (who are otherwise so determined to like me), hate me...
-------------------------------------------------
I am not a savior... In fact, I am so out of shape, I need someone to save me!! I am no longer going to pretend to be that emotionless, sturdy and hard character...
I am going to be honest with myself and all of you... I am in no position to help you... I am here because I want to train... I love taekwondo... I love all of you too.. But the best thing I can do for you is to be relaxed and happy... NOT to run around, get all flustered, pale, malnourished and ugly... doing things that you all really do not need me to do...
I will focus on one thing - RELAX...
My dream came true!! I am back... and the kids are much nicer to me... Even Mam is nicer to me... I feel this overwhelming sense of peace... Like everything is exactly where it should be...
The kids are a lot kinder to me... At least they no longer make an effort to irritate me... They either leave me alone or talk to me politely... Mam's and Mr Lim's efforts to maintain discipline in the squad has worked... I feel much more at ease now... No longer on my toes waiting to be offended... I like it... I can now train without any emotional or mental stress... The squad has become a haven...
The bad news is.... It is unlikely that I will be fighting any international tournament anytime soon... In fact, after I start work in about a week's time... I will probably only be able to train once or twice a week...
Nonetheless, I have already fought so many tournaments... I am glad that I took a month's break to sort myself out... It is food my soul needs so much more than yet another exhausting tournament...
It's surprising how rest can change my perspective completely... I no longer feel so tired and drained... I no longer feel so obligated to look after and worse to DISCIPLINE the juniors...
I am just down to train... And when necessary, help to sweep the floor, clear the rubbish... No need to make so much effort (spend so much money) to plan birthday celebrations, make up a duty roster... Which is good... Doing all these things only gave me an opportunity to reveal my imperfections... I couldn't plan the perfect birthday parties and chart out the perfect rosters... People were upset with me... And worse still... I got so drained and out of shape and out of cash that it really irritated me when people were upset with me... A recipe for disaster...
Now that I am no longer responsible for all these things, there are no longer any platforms for the children to hate me... Which is good... I have learned to keep still and let God work...
Now I am a lot more relaxed... =)
Not forgetting that I have learned a very important lesson:
God can work even if I do nothing.. I don't have to be so eager to contribute... Sometimes I make a mess out of everything in my attempts to help... You know how insensitive and compassionate I can be at times... When I am given responsibility, all that insensitivity is put into action and I always end up dictating people, hurting feelings and making people (who are otherwise so determined to like me), hate me...
-------------------------------------------------
I am not a savior... In fact, I am so out of shape, I need someone to save me!! I am no longer going to pretend to be that emotionless, sturdy and hard character...
I am going to be honest with myself and all of you... I am in no position to help you... I am here because I want to train... I love taekwondo... I love all of you too.. But the best thing I can do for you is to be relaxed and happy... NOT to run around, get all flustered, pale, malnourished and ugly... doing things that you all really do not need me to do...
I will focus on one thing - RELAX...
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Martha and Mary
At the Home of Martha and Mary
As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"
"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."
Luke 10:38-41
------------------------------------------
How often to we find ourselves talking in a condescending way to our elders... Some of us.. even before we eat, we bark commands like... MUMMY eat!! PAPA eat!! Under the pretense of courtesy... though seriously, they sound more like commands...
So it is that we have grown into such a generation... A generation where the young are condescending towards the old... Most of the time, all we have to do is bark a command... and out of love, our seniors and elders run to accomplish our commands... We believe we deserve all the good they have done for us.. and we act like it is our right...
A junior once said this to me,"I thought I have already told you to shut up just now? Why are you still talking? Can you stop irritating her?"
I am not condemning anyone here... I am guilty of that too... The point is... Is it any wonder that that is the exact same way we try to communicate with God? We find ourselves praying things like:
Dear Lord,
Please make me strong, successful, rich and happy...
I have prayed this prayer a dozen times...
Why have you not answered me?
Do you love me at all?
Do you even care?
--------------------------------------------------------
We have transplanted our attitudes towards our seniors into our attitude when talking to our Lord... And it is a wrong attitude... It is.. Because God is so much bigger and wiser than all we know... Why in the world are we commanding him and instructing him? It is weird...
----------------------------------------------------------
I just learned this yesterday...
I was stomping around the house screaming and shouting and feeling stressed about the job interview today... There was a problem with my Netbook and I could not assess microsoft word to get to the job application form I needed to produce the next day... To top that up, I had just received a reminder from CPF to pay up my thousand dollar debt to my dad's CPF account (for my educational funds)... that pressured me to get a job... QUICK... I felt so helpless and irritated... Thus I was shouting and screaming about the house...
To my surprise.. My pet dog Loki followed me around the house... As I ran through piles of paper looking for my transcript, screaming and complaining all that time... He was so kind and docile... not the least afraid of me... I was surprised and touched... Unconditional love... To stick with me despite the fact that I was behaving like a monster...
To my even greater surprise.. my mother who was working in the living room... did not scream at me and ask me to shut up...
You know, normally I would expect her to say things like:
"Can you please keep quiet, I need to work here... Papa needs to sleep... You are so last minute, you should have done this many nights ago..."
That would normally irritate the guts out of me.. because it does not help... but today she said:
"Come use my laptop... Send your document over, we will use my laptop to fill up the form and send it back to yours to print. Don't have to be nervous... It's just a job interview... I used to be as nervous as you too... But I am over with that phase... You got more than enough time... You will be fine..."
Wow.. I was so amazed... it was the first time in my life that I felt loved by my mum... And it was simply because I knew that I totally did not deserve her help.. I deserved to be flustered and helpless because of my bad time management.. No one ought to bail me out of it... I deserve the misery.. And yet, she wanted to help me... And more importantly, she denied her impulse of saying.. "I told you so."
That totally sealed the deal... I went to bed with new found respect for my mother and thus, new found respect for God... If my mummy can love me so much and see how helpless and needy I was despite all my yelling... how much more can God?
-----------------------------------------------------
I woke up this morning wanting to be a better person...
As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"
"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."
Luke 10:38-41
------------------------------------------
How often to we find ourselves talking in a condescending way to our elders... Some of us.. even before we eat, we bark commands like... MUMMY eat!! PAPA eat!! Under the pretense of courtesy... though seriously, they sound more like commands...
So it is that we have grown into such a generation... A generation where the young are condescending towards the old... Most of the time, all we have to do is bark a command... and out of love, our seniors and elders run to accomplish our commands... We believe we deserve all the good they have done for us.. and we act like it is our right...
A junior once said this to me,"I thought I have already told you to shut up just now? Why are you still talking? Can you stop irritating her?"
I am not condemning anyone here... I am guilty of that too... The point is... Is it any wonder that that is the exact same way we try to communicate with God? We find ourselves praying things like:
Dear Lord,
Please make me strong, successful, rich and happy...
I have prayed this prayer a dozen times...
Why have you not answered me?
Do you love me at all?
Do you even care?
--------------------------------------------------------
We have transplanted our attitudes towards our seniors into our attitude when talking to our Lord... And it is a wrong attitude... It is.. Because God is so much bigger and wiser than all we know... Why in the world are we commanding him and instructing him? It is weird...
----------------------------------------------------------
I just learned this yesterday...
I was stomping around the house screaming and shouting and feeling stressed about the job interview today... There was a problem with my Netbook and I could not assess microsoft word to get to the job application form I needed to produce the next day... To top that up, I had just received a reminder from CPF to pay up my thousand dollar debt to my dad's CPF account (for my educational funds)... that pressured me to get a job... QUICK... I felt so helpless and irritated... Thus I was shouting and screaming about the house...
To my surprise.. My pet dog Loki followed me around the house... As I ran through piles of paper looking for my transcript, screaming and complaining all that time... He was so kind and docile... not the least afraid of me... I was surprised and touched... Unconditional love... To stick with me despite the fact that I was behaving like a monster...
To my even greater surprise.. my mother who was working in the living room... did not scream at me and ask me to shut up...
You know, normally I would expect her to say things like:
"Can you please keep quiet, I need to work here... Papa needs to sleep... You are so last minute, you should have done this many nights ago..."
That would normally irritate the guts out of me.. because it does not help... but today she said:
"Come use my laptop... Send your document over, we will use my laptop to fill up the form and send it back to yours to print. Don't have to be nervous... It's just a job interview... I used to be as nervous as you too... But I am over with that phase... You got more than enough time... You will be fine..."
Wow.. I was so amazed... it was the first time in my life that I felt loved by my mum... And it was simply because I knew that I totally did not deserve her help.. I deserved to be flustered and helpless because of my bad time management.. No one ought to bail me out of it... I deserve the misery.. And yet, she wanted to help me... And more importantly, she denied her impulse of saying.. "I told you so."
That totally sealed the deal... I went to bed with new found respect for my mother and thus, new found respect for God... If my mummy can love me so much and see how helpless and needy I was despite all my yelling... how much more can God?
-----------------------------------------------------
I woke up this morning wanting to be a better person...
And because I am so sinful,
And God still loves me...
I truly believe now,
That God is great...
If in my state of sin,
God still loved me so much...
To keep throwing blessings at me...
How much more now,
that I am aware of his greatness...
I have a confident expectation of good in my life...
I have a good opinion of all of you,
I hated all of you...
But I found out that I was one of you...
Now, I love all of you as I love myself...
Even if you should display bad behavior,
I will have a tender heart towards you...
Because I myself am equally guilty of such behavior...
It's not a result of evil within me...
But of frustration and confusion...
Inability to reach for God's love...
I am so happy that I have unlearned the bad lessons
I have picked up over the last 3 years..
In just one month..
Imagine how much more time is required...
To melt the hearts of adults that have been under condemnation
All their lives...
Be patient...
And God still loves me...
I truly believe now,
That God is great...
If in my state of sin,
God still loved me so much...
To keep throwing blessings at me...
How much more now,
that I am aware of his greatness...
I have a confident expectation of good in my life...
I have a good opinion of all of you,
I hated all of you...
But I found out that I was one of you...
Now, I love all of you as I love myself...
Even if you should display bad behavior,
I will have a tender heart towards you...
Because I myself am equally guilty of such behavior...
It's not a result of evil within me...
But of frustration and confusion...
Inability to reach for God's love...
I am so happy that I have unlearned the bad lessons
I have picked up over the last 3 years..
In just one month..
Imagine how much more time is required...
To melt the hearts of adults that have been under condemnation
All their lives...
Be patient...
This morning I woke up and the first thought I developed was:
"This girl is so irritating. She is so childish and attention seeking. Why don't she just grow up?"
I surprised myself... I have become the very person I hate.. Mean, judgmental, fault-finding, self-righteous, negative, pessimistic... Jumping at every opportunity to form a bad opinion of someone and thus alienate that person... I have become a monster...
---------------------------------------
I talk to myself alot... I looked at the mirror and prepared for the job interview... Just then, a negative thought came to mind and I started complaining.. And when I saw my image on the mirror I was shocked... Have never seen myself look so ugly before... Even when I had more pimples, had a bad hair day... I never looked that bad...
Just then, I started to understand:
A thankful heart is a necessary component of beauty... No one looks good complaining... On the contrary, it drowns all other beauty... Buries it...
Then it dawned upon me that I have become such an unfriendly person as I do all day is complain and find-fault... Even my thoughts are so evil...
--------------------------------------------
These two experiences really humbled me... God is great... Despite the fact that I now resemble the world.... (and am probably the worse of the lot)... He still loves me...
Denise, it is now that you have learned that you are as sinful as all the rest you despise that you are able to love them... as you do yourself... Your heart was hardened and encrusted by this thick layer of hate you used to defend yourself from the harshness of the world... It has made you ugly... Remove this hatred and anger within you... Let your heart breath once more... Do not be like Martha... Desperately trying to be in control of all things.. Let go, and trust me...
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I am like that... If Jesus comes to my house now, there is a high chance I will pack up the room, prepare a great meal and endeavor to be the best host I can be... i might even treat him like a child... hoping to look after him to the best of my ability... But now that I look at it... it is all a result of pride.. I wanted to serve others to prove that I am capable... I wanted to look like a good host to preserve my pride... But this is not what Jesus needs... He is here to save... not to be saved by me... I don't have to look after him... He is here to fix my life...
So dear Lord, take it... i no longer want to struggle so hard to fix it... And I know now that I am totally unworthy... I am a judgmental, vindictive and proud bitch... the type of person I hate most, I have become... But you still love, nonetheless...
I am speechless...
"This girl is so irritating. She is so childish and attention seeking. Why don't she just grow up?"
I surprised myself... I have become the very person I hate.. Mean, judgmental, fault-finding, self-righteous, negative, pessimistic... Jumping at every opportunity to form a bad opinion of someone and thus alienate that person... I have become a monster...
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I talk to myself alot... I looked at the mirror and prepared for the job interview... Just then, a negative thought came to mind and I started complaining.. And when I saw my image on the mirror I was shocked... Have never seen myself look so ugly before... Even when I had more pimples, had a bad hair day... I never looked that bad...
Just then, I started to understand:
A thankful heart is a necessary component of beauty... No one looks good complaining... On the contrary, it drowns all other beauty... Buries it...
Then it dawned upon me that I have become such an unfriendly person as I do all day is complain and find-fault... Even my thoughts are so evil...
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These two experiences really humbled me... God is great... Despite the fact that I now resemble the world.... (and am probably the worse of the lot)... He still loves me...
Denise, it is now that you have learned that you are as sinful as all the rest you despise that you are able to love them... as you do yourself... Your heart was hardened and encrusted by this thick layer of hate you used to defend yourself from the harshness of the world... It has made you ugly... Remove this hatred and anger within you... Let your heart breath once more... Do not be like Martha... Desperately trying to be in control of all things.. Let go, and trust me...
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I am like that... If Jesus comes to my house now, there is a high chance I will pack up the room, prepare a great meal and endeavor to be the best host I can be... i might even treat him like a child... hoping to look after him to the best of my ability... But now that I look at it... it is all a result of pride.. I wanted to serve others to prove that I am capable... I wanted to look like a good host to preserve my pride... But this is not what Jesus needs... He is here to save... not to be saved by me... I don't have to look after him... He is here to fix my life...
So dear Lord, take it... i no longer want to struggle so hard to fix it... And I know now that I am totally unworthy... I am a judgmental, vindictive and proud bitch... the type of person I hate most, I have become... But you still love, nonetheless...
I am speechless...
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